There's a monster in my chest.

W hat happened to your smile? You looked at me with eyes so bright That light has seemed to fade Ever quickly now You’re bound for an escape I never thought this day would come And I never thought it through The pages burn, one by one I'm only dust to you All I need is one more day For it’s one more day with you Remember kinder times Of when our love was new What happened to the laughter? Its music kept us safe But this dance, it has us strained & silenced is our fate Oh, what a terrible mess we’ve made I denied this day would come It’s something I refused The pages gone, every one I'm nothing now to you What happened to that kiss? I know it meant much more than this I have reached out to my innocence But I fear it's reached its distance ...hear these words & take them in I REFUSE to be your experience Ever quickly now You've made your escape I’m letting go somehow Me & you, my greatest mistake

You left me no choice as I waited for you to call. It’s what I had to do but you don’t remember at all. To escape from your voice was the hardest thing to do. To get over my pain was to get over you . Where have you been? I hope she was worth it. My delusion, my stranger. You’ll someday regret this. You left me alone here & I just want a reason. I’ve dabbled in my anger but I’ve past that season. Go and take your place while I dread it’s still a hoax. Since your back to play the role I’ve wanted for you the most. It cannot change my face for it’s always been the same. It cannot change the time you stole for you never won this game. I’ll be here ever steady even though my heart is heavy. I want to call you mine again but I don’t think I’m ready. Stay with me.

A search for truth with an echoed stone among the two it broke your bones. The sticks came down and bruised your skin. It's what I know now but didn't know then. It was innocent. Hopeful inclination the calm before the sound but the door flew open and bitterness was all I found. Your words I still carry vague as it could be every breath was meant and meant for only me. I thank you for the invitation. Have you expected some untruth? Because I don’t care who is right or wrong here But I expected more of you. We built a wall of misconceptions and felt our peace get up and leave It was our sad, sad misfortune and I just sat in disbelief. I wish we could go back now before the words cut right through. It's not the time to keep our heads down. Is that the best that you can do?

For a week I woke up to the sound of small feet running around the house. Such a beautiful sound. It was so good to spend time with family from Lubbock and getting to see my little nephew was amazing. He is so entertaining to watch and I found myself teary eyed when they left. All I could think about was that little boy and all the joy he brought into our lives. I fell in love with his smile and wonder. God is doing some amazing things and I'm super excited. He's been showing me that more and more people in my own circle of friends that need to be involved in something deeper, something real. The want to experience a relationship with God...not some distant thought or story. I'm seeing young people hurting in their families, marriages and struggling with vices that conquer their lives. They want...NEED someone to love them and encourage them in their faith. They need a hope to cling to. He's also making my heart grow bigger for people who are hurting. It's an incred...

Work has been a heck of an experience today. This particular morning left me irritated and overwhelmed. I have a lot on my plate at work and let me just say that I love it. Not many people can truly say they love their job but I do. I just get exhausted when I see no change. There are problems….problems that are addressed, discussed and dismissed on a whim only to greet me with a heavier presence the next time I turn around. This morning, I was caught up in the chaos. My white shirt ripped, my skin turned green and I grew this terrible lisp much stronger than the one before. Needless to say, I came back from court and unleashed my terror. Papers were flying and desks were breaking as I made sure my coworkers were aware of my troublesome life. “JESS SMASH!!!” Why did I do that? When did I become such a…complainer? *shiver* I used to be so optimistic. Really, it was sickening. I know that I lived in my naivety with bright eyes but I think I much rather enjoyed it there. I like smiling. I...

Before I start “officially” blogging - hopefully on a regular basis -I thought I’d lay some info down about myself. First and foremost…I’m a Christian. Not one of those pretentious-holier-than-thou types or even the title itself lacking the actually faith and desire to follow God. I’m just a girl who loves Jesus. I’m beyond imperfect but that’s not a crutch for me to never stand up straight and strive to do better. In the past I admit that it has been a place all too familiar…a place of complacency. I don’t just care about going to church or being a “good person”. I just want to make that clear. God’s goodness is real in my life and I want to do everything I can to show that He is alive in me. His grace takes what mess I’ve made of me and makes it beautiful…somehow. I don’t know how He does it but He’s just good like that. I’m a wife to my best friend. He makes me laugh like no one else because luckily I married a big kid. Therefore, my days are never dull. Yes, at times I’ve wished he...